Connection, Comfort and Control

I have so many things I want to write about lately. And I need to start writing more. I think it may be the productive outlet my brain needs. To grow in clarity of thought and direction. To fill the space left by my porn addictions. Maybe even to make money? Who knows. 

Let's talk about a very simple conversation that is the crux of what plagued me in my marriage and what I used as an excuse, AN EXCUSE… 

Let me say that again: AN EXCUSE 

Per Google: an excuse is a reason or explanation given to explain a mistake, bad behavior, or a failure to do something, usually meant to avoid blame or guilt.

… to watch porn or seek other “coping” mechanisms. My behavior is MY responsibility. My bad choices were my own fault. 

Setting the scene

We were driving somewhere with our son. It was a fairly normal day, especially given it's only been about 4 weeks since discovery/disclosure day of my porn addiction. We were in Cookie Monster (my Blue Ford Raptor), which is a sort of safe place for me. There is a story behind how I got that car and what it means to me. And also, while driving, well… you kinda have ot keep focused and not get overly distracted. Anyway…

I wish I could remember what sparked the conversation; I think it had to do with my 12-year-old son's wonderfully empathetic gift for his Girlfriend when she got sick. We were talking about connecting with someone versus comforting someone.  During the conversation, I mentioned they are different but certainly connected. I’m unsure how much detail I went into at that time, but here are my thoughts now:

You can connect with someone without providing comfort. And you can comfort someone without connecting with them. You can connect with a dude on the airplane over your enjoyment of Faith, Family, Firearms, Ford (Raptors), etc., and not be comforting them. You can comfort a sick girlfriend by bringing her gifts without connecting with them at that time.  

Definitionally, they are different. But I fully concede now, and at that time, they are two words that will regularly go hand in hand. When you are connected with someone close to you, you feel comforted. And when you are comforted by someone close to you, you tend to deepen, reestablish, or heal your connection with them. 

The issue…

So, what happened on this drive, you ask… get to the point. 

I said they are different, but they go hand in hand. My wife waited a few seconds in the silence of my son hearing, but not responding. Then she said, “I think they are the same thing”. It was a direct and intended contradiction. 

Now, on the surface, her saying this is of COURSE absolutely fine. And we could have discussed this further for sure. But at the time, it directly contradicted the clarity I was trying to discuss with my son. He was open and hearing me the way a boy that age does. With little to no acknowledgment. But he heard it. And he didn't give me the “why are we talking about this” or any other annoyed-type response. 

And now we get to control part of the title.

For nearly our entire marriage, this sort of little intrusion, disruption, and contradiction to the small lessons I’ve attempted to teach my children has been a source of great pain for me. She controlled our conversations out of fear of the results. My wife recently made an enormous step forward in not doing this sort of thing anymore. It was the Greatest! Blessing! Every!  

But then my porn use came into the picture. And i have to wonder…

Now, because of the enemy I let in the front door of our house for our entire marriage, she is back to not trusting me, RIGHTFULLY. And I’ve understood that I cannot truly trust myself right now. The 30 or so years of Pornography, the movies my parents let me watch, and their overall permissiveness and lack of moral grounding have certainly warped my entire worldview! 

I accept that her 26 years of controlling conversations and interactions I’m having with my children out of fear of the outcome were likely due to her own gut feelings, which proved to be correct. That is the enemy I let in the door, and her God-given senses felt the problem. I was a problem. I was THE problem. And I need to wrestle with that daily. Probably for the rest of my life. 

So why write all this:

Simply put, I needed to get this out of my head. But more importantly, it was this little tiny circumstance that is the epitome of what I coped with throughout my entire marriage. That was a small one, to be certain. But imagine that with everything large and small. The vast majority of decisions, or even just conversations with my boys, were not just about more information, questions, and/or thoughtfulness. No, they were run over, squashed, or contradicted. 

And it was all my fault. Or at least something I could have prevented! Either because I caused it somehow by letting the enemy in. Or because I couldn't properly correct myself or my wife because I let the enemy in. I wasn't the leader I was supposed to be.

Lord Jesus, guide me to be the spiritual leader I’m supposed to be.