AR Journal / Notes - Week 3
This post is a journal entry and response to questions in the AR recovery process. Not much story here!
Video Notes:
If how others see us is how we feel or how we think about ourselves, we are just as shallow as looking in a mirror and thinking we are amazing.
Pride and Shame are the opposite sides of the same coin
I want to be someone who can actually be there for other people!
Fear of failure is also a bit of self-centeredness
I’m not God; I’m not the center of the universe
Developing compassion -
Lesson Responses:
The Self-Betrayal Cycle
Today we are asked to write about how my mate failed to love me. And then, how their failure to love me turned into my failure to love them. And the point? From the rest of the reading: how that turned into them failing me and then me failing them again, and then them failing me… Who started it is not the point!
What is the point? The point is who will love the other person selflessly. Something I’m trying to learn and understand.
Question one: How has your mate failed to love you?
My first response would have been that she is always critical of everything I do. But I think that is super surface-level and also primarily the result of my betrayal and selfishness through the use of pornography. So my real response: Her appreciating me taking care of her and my son when I met them. And for everything else I’ve sacrificed to be here for them. From giving up on even attempting my military career, to college, to money I could have had working for my dad, to just the brutal hours worked in manual labor jobs trying to figure out how to provide.
Question two: How did their failure to love result in your self-betrayal? IN other words, how did that action result in me doing the same damn thing, failing to love her?
Again, I have a gut reaction first: that is the blame response. She didn't appreciate me, so I dove into my work, where I would get appreciated. Then I gave my appreciation to my coworkers. Not in any inappropriate way, but the simple fact that I withheld appreciation was a problem.
But the heart of the matter. I never appreciated her. I never stepped up to lead and appreciate who she was and all the glorious wisdom and care she brought to the family. I was a selfish fool and only wanted the appreciation.
Things that won't work
Trying to change others:
Because you can only control yourself
Improving Communication:
Sure, but how does that help you be selfless and love the other party? That may just open the door to understanding each other better. And that's the best-case scenario because you probably will not understand the other person if you don't want to be empathetic to their needs.
Learning to Cope more effectively:
Coping is just that… learning to deal with the situation as it is. This changes nothing.
Leaving
This is just the ultimate final form of coping… the ultimate “not deal with it”.
Self Improvement
This only works if your self-improvement focuses on learning to love and be selfless through God's grace alone. If you're focused on being a ‘better person’, then this is just turning your love inward again and escaping loving the other person.
Final Questions for Week 3:
What ways do you relate to “the problem” as your problem?
The problem is ME. I get that now. Not just through the reading we have done. But because in the last few days I realized that God is using my wife to drag me through the coals to cleanse me of all my inequities. I need to let that happen. I need to suffer. But not for suffering's sake. But as the consequences of my actions, to learn from them and move forward in the love she is showing me by staying here by my side.
Reviewing last week's story:
In what way did I blame my mate for my failure:
I was so intent on her being critical of everything I did! I never saw that she was feeling my shame and protecting my family from ME! I let her “criticalness” be my excuse for not doing what I ought to.
Which of their faults did you focus on to justify your lack of love:
Same thing, and I think I explained it above. But to take it a step further, I resented her for it, didn't do what I ought to, then effectively withheld love because I was holding it against her!
What are five ways you considered your needs and desires as more important than your mates:
My work was more important than her
My relaxation was more important than her
Being right was more important than her
My schedule was more important than her
My comfort, downtime, and vacation preferences were more important than her
How do you use justification to push away your guilt?
I’m not sure. I know I did it all the time. But the bottom line is that I was effectively lying about everything. So I’m not sure I even felt guilt about this. I felt shame about the porn use, but that was buried DEEP. So until now, facing it wasn't an issue.
What are ways I’m in the box towards others besides my mate:
I’m always too busy. Even when I know that I’m not… my time is more valuable than their time. I can easily justify why what I have to do is more important than what another person needs.
My favorite has also been: I’m not sure I can do that. I’m not capable. I know I’m capable and can figure out what I’m not capable of. I’m smart, but I shame myself into thinking I'm not.
