Video Journaling:
Who I was when I was at my best:
Who was I at my best? My initial thoughts are, “How could I ever have been at my best? I was always broken and, for a good part of my life looking at pornography”. Then I think, “ok, does that mean I’m at my best now?!? Well, that's kinda depressing because I’m a recovering addict and I’m trying to change who I am…”
The first thing that comes to mind, and the only time I think I was truly at my best, is a moment of maybe a few seconds. I had already signed up to serve in the Navy but was on a 9-month delay due to the nuances of the nuclear program. During that time, I met my wife and my now 26-year-old son. He was a month old.
In that moment, when I met them and heard her story, I decided to take care of them and serve them. In those few seconds, as I planned to serve my country and my future wife and child, I had a pure mind and goal, untarnished by selfishness or other self-serving iniquities; I was at my best.
Who I would really like to be in the future:
I want to serve in all the Godly ways I am capable of. God, family, and friends first, in that order. But I want to be available to serve everyone I can selflessly.
How I want to be remembered:
A person who served as often as he could, and who is known as God's hand, not mine, in their life.
What I want to accomplish:
Oh Lord, I do not know. I’ll just put out there what comes to mind:
Serve as noted above, by God's will and as God’s hand through his glory and grace.
Support my family financially
Make amends with my wife and move forward from this hurt.
Lean into the Shout Your Shame Ministry idea
How will I monitor my progress toward these goals:
Have I accomplished serving someone today? For now, that means at the very least asking my wife what she needs regularly throughout the day. And my son, who lives with us, at least once when he gets home, maybe?
Easy - do we have food and shelter… the rest is worldly.
This goes to the first one… but is measured through my responses and her feeling of safety.
Don't know; exploring this as a reality still. So… maybe, did i explore something today?
Can you relate to any of the physical realities in the video?
Trauma Impact
Yes, my childhood was fraught with completely unavailable parents who gave nothing of themselves ever. They provided extremely well, and I had wonderful experiences, but they never talked about or showed emotions, and they never took the time to teach me one damned thing.
The BrainsMotivational Center
Of course, it's all about finding what brought some sort of relief, and the more I dwell on it, the more I see that what I was doing, I don't even know why at some point. It got to be a truly addictive “let's go feel that way” for no reason!
Attachment Styles
100% I'm an avoidant. Right down every single bit of the description!
How do you know when you're out of control?
Oh, I can feel it bubble up in my chest! I know it's coming, and I’ve been recognizing it earlier and stopping it quicker. But I feel like that means that more is coming… and emotions are coming out that were not there, and I’m still unsure what that all means.
How do you intend to keep that from occurring in the future?
Talking with my wife more and more and opening up to her about it, and accepting her mirror and coaching on emotional information. I dont know if that will be enough, i know that must also work through al the affair recovery text to get a deeper understanding of myself as well.
What is my goal for change?
Serve… serve a lot, serve more, but serve my family first and don't neglect that!
Consider what attempts you have made to try to change, how effective they were, and what kept them from working.
One word: Selfishness… enough said.
What is your plan to deal with your physical reality:
For yourself:
Be open and practice “radical honesty” and transparency all the time so she is more aware of what I’m thinking than what she may even be thinking.
Be ready to use the tools like FANOS, Truth in Love, Voice of Fear/Love, and Time Outs all the time.
60 Second hugs regularly / 7-second kisses constantly.
For your mate:
From our conversations, I know the above is what she wants. But I’m not doing them because she wants to, they need to be done… that's just real.
How has anger been a problem in your relationship, and how have you dealt with it in the past:
Well, I didn't deal with it. I resorted to it when I had no way of knowing what my emotions were or how to express them. Most commonly, and probably exclusively, I would feel controlled either in reality or due to my extreme selfishness. Then she would react in one way or another to my explanations, and I would get angry and eventually, in the worst times, get into a full-blown rage and break shit.
How has anger shown up or changed in your relationship since recovery began?
I would recognize it more and more, but not because it's anger, but because it's sadness, guilt, frustration, ridicule, jealousy, dismissiveness, embarrassment, inferiority, isolation, and general sadness at my circumstances that I caused.
How can you address or deal with the reality of anger or flood, spiraling conversations?
Using the conversation tools. Recognize the anger bubbling up and know THAT is when to use the tools. Right then and there… think of the tools and use them.
What feelings are you typically aware of beneath the anger?
Well, typically, nothing. RECENTLY, see the previous list: “It's sadness, guilt, frustration, ridicule, jealousy, dismissiveness, embarrassment, inferiority, isolation, and general sadness at my circumstances that I caused.”
